Wake with tears, sleep with smiles...
by disillusioned
(Matters of the Heart, 2283 views) - 7/14/03
(recorded 7/14/03 @ 4:27:30 AM)
Manifesting themselves as a thin layer of tears over my eyes, and a feeling of bitter contempt deep within me, those thoughts of dreams ending are what awaken me from my slumber. I stumble out of bed and wipe the tears from my eyes. I look at them glistening, mockingly, now on my hand, and realize what they represent:

Emotions spent on things past my control.

To think that through all this, those feelings and emotions that you knew were true to begin with would still remain with you even still... If they could weather this, why can't the rest of you?

I feel my heart, and it's in the pit of my stomach. The worst of heartache over the thought of losing something so true, it buries deeper within you. If only it could be ignored; everything is blurry when your world passes through that ever-present thin layer of tears on its way to you.

Through the day, distractions keep the pain away. Keeping busy with the things that will keep the pain from winning over, from being victorious in a place where it has no right to win. My heart is my own; that pain I feel inside of it does not belong.

Crawling into my bed, I somehow manage to smile. I remember what that love was, and how it feels to be loved just that way. The bitter contempt of this morning lifts and elation takes over. Thoughts of a future where all works out for the best smooth out the harshness of reality in its very presentness. Deep within my mind, I'm reminded that happiness will find me yet, as it has done in brief pulses, like the glow of a firefly...

Remind myself that
I've known of happiness. Caught in brief glimpses, or as whispers that would grace so sweetly, so softly, so briefly, my ears. Flickering as a firefly, its dull glow enough to make me smile for a night.

And I know, deep within my heart, that I will find that firefly once again, her glow as bright as ever. Each pulse, a second spent with her, with enough smiles for a lifetime.

I close my eyes, and dream of my firefly, a smile on my face and no tears in my eyes.
Back to disillusioned's Notebook :: Back to the Musings
deep impact writing. memories flowing in through the flood gates as i find that my heart is empty. no love to give, no desire to share. no longer have i sympathy to give emotion to those dried eyes that have cried the plumiting death of their last drops. i am a shadow now. she is gone from me, and though i physically exhist. she took all i ever was with her.

nice write ^.^ - Froz

   [FrozNic (J) 7/14/03 3:31 PM]

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