On the humorous nature of peanut butter
by disillusioned
(Humor, 1416 views) - 6/2/03
(recorded 6/2/03 @ 3:50:02 AM)
INT. MARSHALL HOME - BEDROOM – DAY

JUSTIN MARSHALL and BEN CARSO are sitting in JUSTIN's bedroom. It has a small couch, upon which BEN is seated, as well as a red bunk bed, where JUSTIN is lying on the upper bunk. JUSTIN has a yellow legal pad and a pen in his hand. BEN is attempting to solve a rubik's cube, with little success.

JUSTIN
Would you stop playing with that? We really need to start working on this piece. It's not funny enough!

BEN
What do you mean? This stuff is hilarious.

JUSTIN
No offense, but I think anyone who was at all amused by Zoolander isn't the best indicator of what's funny or not…

BEN
There's nothing wrong with Zoolander! It was a great movie!

JUSTIN
Whatever. I'm telling you- While you may find this stuff amusing, the rest of the western world will not. We need some good material. Something original… Something that doesn't focus on peanut butter.

BEN
It's funny!

JUSTIN
No, it's really not.

Enter MATT

BEN
It's classic. People will love it. MATT- Don't you think peanut butter is funny?

MATT
I'm sorry?

BEN
Peanut butter- Isn't peanut butter funny?

MATT
I suppose it has the potential to be…

BEN
See?!?

JUSTIN
Not in this context!

BEN
What do you mean, context?

JUSTIN
BEN- We have three pages on the humorous nature of the “juice” that forms on the top of the peanut butter when it's in it's jar. The fact that you even notice that sort of thing says a lot… The fact that you think it's funny...

BEN
It IS funny! Here, MATT- Read this.

MATT
(Reading aloud)

“So, what's the deal with peanut butter? I go to make myself a sandwich, and there's this ‘juice' that's formed on top. So now I gotta dodge the juice with the knife, to get the dry stuff out”.
This sounds like a Seinfeld monologue.

JUSTIN
Just keep reading.

MATT
Is wet peanut butter really a big concern for you?

BEN
You wouldn't believe the number of personal injury suits brought against big peanut butter because of the juice.

MATT
(Rolls eyes.)
People have hurt themselves making a peanut butter sandwich?

BEN
Well, sure.

JUSTIN
Yeah, I wouldn't be surprised if they started printing surgeon general warnings on the label now.
”Warning- Incorrect use of this product may be hazardous to the health of yourself or your loved ones. Proceed with caution.”
(laughs)

MATT
Are you sure it isn't just you who's hurt himself while getting the peanut butter out of the jar?

BEN
Of course I'm sure. I think there may even be a class action lawsuit forming against big peanut butter.

JUSTIN
Yeah. Morons v. Jif, Peter Pan, et al. (laughs)

MATT
(laughs)

BEN
Oh you laugh, but I'm confident that the peanut butter companies will cave and get us a huge settlement.

JUSTIN
Yeah, like a year supply of 'juiceless' peanut butter.

MATT
May I ask how exactly you injure yourself with the peanut butter?

BEN
Well… In my case… The juice made everything a little slippery, and, well… I was on the phone…

JUSTIN
You were on the phone with someone when this happened?

BEN
Well, no. I sometimes call the talking clock just to keep myself company, and to make myself look busy to anyone who sees me from outside.

JUSTIN
That's a problem for you, is it?

BEN
Well, no...

MATT
Anyway, back to how the peanut butter brought physical harm upon you…

BEN
Yeah, well, I was scooping the stuff out with a knife… When my hand slipped, and I cut my finger.

MATT
What kind of knife was it?

BEN
A butter knife.

JUSTIN
You cut yourself with a butter knife?!?

BEN
It was a sharp butter knife!

JUSTIN
This, coming from the same person who jumped off his staircase onto a Glade "plugin", prong-side up. I'm surprised you didn't try to sue the plugin people for reckless endangerment!

BEN
Don't think I didn't think about it!

JUSTIN
Oh, I'm sure you did.

MATT
Yeah, I remember that. How many stitches was that? Six?

BEN
Eight.

MATT
Eight. Ha ha.

BEN
Yeah… “Ha. Ha. ” Really funny. But it hurt. For three weeks, I was on crutches.

JUSTIN
Yes... I recall many a chuckle when you were forced to expound the details of your "jumping incident" after people started comparing the stories they were hearing from you on how it happened.

MATT
Yeah. And I remember that you could almost plug something into the prong-shaped gash it left. (shudders)

JUSTIN
Yep... (sighs) Good times... Haha.

MATT
So, how many stitches this time? (chuckles)

BEN
No stitches. Just a medicated band-aid.

JUSTIN
Oh? And you actually attribute your most recent injury to the 'juice' that forms on the peanut butter? And not say… an inability to handle a simple tool?

BEN
Well, yes.

JUSTIN
And you think that if you had instead been provided with "juice-free" peanut butter, you wouldn't have hurt yourself?

BEN
Well, yeah.

JUSTIN
Well, maybe we should include a part on how people have hurt themselves because of the peanut butter juice.

MATT
What exactly is this piece for anyway?

JUSTIN
Our forensics class.

BEN
We're supposed to write a humor piece on something not normally found funny. I figure peanut butter juice fits that bill quite accurately.

MATT
I suppose it does. Actually, I think that what you do have is pretty funny.

JUSTIN
Well fine then, we'll keep it. I just hope our teacher thinks it's as funny as you two do.

BEN
Oh, I'm sure she will. I mean, who doesn't think peanut butter is funny?

MATT
Yeah, well...

The End.




This node is almost entirely fictional. However I did have a friend who actually jumped off a staircase barefoot right onto a Glade plugin. Prong-shaped scar and all.
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Notes:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!

   [je_ne_sais_quoi (J) 7/14/03 12:04 AM]



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