Perhaps a puzzle.
by disillusioned
(Deep Thoughts, 1774 views) - 6/25/05
(recorded 6/25/05 @ 5:05:56 AM)
(Originally a note on Sweetp's Entry...)
Not that it helps any, but I'm definitely feeling the three-am-and-lonely bit.

I don't usually describe myself as lonely. It sounds too much like defeat for me. Like I'm letting someone or everyone else win. So I usually surround myself with people I love and do my best around it.

But tonight, there's an empty house. My house is large, and has huge vaulted ceilings that really don't help with the perception of open space, begging to be filled with voices and with tears and with laughing and the like. The silence echoes worse than all of that combined.

You should hear the sound my guitar makes:
Em7 G Dsus4 A7sus4
...when you play them in this miniature cathedral.

I could go ahead and describe my emotional state, describe exactly how I feel; I could do it as a color or a chord. I could say that I'm feeling awfully A minor right now, but let's not pander here. Let's give our insides a bit more credit than to simply assume they can be boiled down to such simple adjectives. We all know exactly how we feel, and exactly how difficult it is to describe.

Leave it to the statisticians to deduce. Let them figure it out, using multi-variable calculus. Let them look at all the mitigating factors and extenuating circumstances and arrive at a final solution for each of us. Let's go ahead and quantify ourselves, quantify exactly how we're feeling, along some sliding scale, from 20 to 1000 or some similarly arbitrary scope. Let's do all of that, because we so badly yearn for a way to express ourselves. And "orange with a hint of purple" doesn't seem to cut it.

My mind spins too quickly for me to pick up all the pieces, sometimes. It's just a fact of life. It's a reality I have to deal with. And I think it's for the best. It's like how your nervous system works—you only feel and detect changes in sensation. Otherwise, there's a complete overload and it's all you can do not to pull the trigger.

There's a common theme in all of this week's similar rants pieces. We all note precisely how depressing this sounds, but that it will all be better in the morning. Or that it will pass, soon enough. Or that we'll get it straightened out in the end. Or that fate will do what it will, and we'll be happy with the result. Lest we think about the alternative. Lest we allow our minds down that path, the road taken by the full-blown pessimist, ready and willing to sacrifice all without a better path to turn down.

It's much better to be play the optimist, and Lord knows I do. But how much of our outcome is derived from optimism, and how much of it is derived from the hard work we put into forcing that optimism to hold true?

There's a question that's difficult to wrestle down—how much do we leave to fate, and how much fate do we make for ourselves? I think fate can only go so far as to line up all the pieces... It's our responsibility to put them all together.

This probably won't make too much sense, and isn't really all that contextual. It's just... what *I'm* feeling right now. Assign it whatever color you will.
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