Examinations in Ultra-Formal Tone...
by disillusioned
(Humor, 1841 views) - 4/12/04
(recorded 4/12/04 @ 7:29:36 PM)
The following was submitted to my English 102 class for an ultra-formal essay. We had to use the following words in some way: bus, ache, puppy, zombie, limbo, accountant, sprinkle and fish. Hence why it may seem as if I'm breaking out of the tone. (That was, of course, the point.) It's... interesting... but the formal tone may annoy you... (I'm not the biggest fan, I know that much.)

Whereas it is inevitable that the rate of criminal and felonious activity will continue to increase at a rate inconceivable by earlier generations of yore, in our fair Republic, and as such, current forms of punishment, as an elemental deterrent towards the committing of new crimes and the continuance of ongoing criminal activity, are proving themselves to be markedly ineffective in their attempts to satisfy said demands as an element of deterrence, it has become apparent that the measures in place are not of an efficacy high enough to produce the desired result, that is, an end in criminal activity in its maleficent entirety.

To remedy this situation, which has been allowed to multiply its degradation of the quality of our Society, much like an irrepressible force of flesh-consuming zombies, I call for, with great respect for its sanctity, but with equal appreciation for the fact that our Founding Fathers could have never predicted with accuracy like that of Nostradamus the state of our Union's criminal incredulities, the abolishment of the portions of our Eighth Amendment which call for the disallowance, misguided as it now is, for 'cruel and unusual punishments' and instead enforce far stricter, although some detractors may claim excessive, punishments on all criminal activity presently described as a felony.

Explicating this concept in fantastical simplicity, all criminal activity proven in a court of one's peers, would be instantly punishable with the expiration of said convicted criminal before they would, under the hopelessly flawed system in place at the present, be lead to the prison bus which would normally usher them back to their respective institution's cell. Such an admittedly harsh response to crime, above the felony level, would have an adverse effect on the population initially, until all realized that a closer analysis of the cost and benefit of committing a crime would not be in their best interest if their interest was focused on well-being and longevity.

In addition, there would no longer be allowed a concession for an insanity plea, as those who attempted to enter such a plea at the time of their hearings would be promptly executed to the pleasure of the court. The costs of maintaining our presently overburdened and prison system would decrease dramatically, as this solution would become effective immediately, and some may propose, work retroactively, so that all criminals held presently for felonies would also be executed in a timely manner not dissimilar to the concentration camps used by Nazis during World War II on the Jewish people.

This solution would lead to a fall in criminal activity so that its populace would no longer be forced to live in fear, and the quality of life for our splendiferous state would only increase beyond anything previously seen. While my dissidents may place me in the same camp as a cruel, puppy-eating savage, it should be noted duly that I have several fish at home and sprinkle their food in their habitat accordingly. That is, to say, I am not the manifestation of evil construed for the purposes of the denigration of my character by my protractors, but instead offer a concise answer for removing our presently-in-limbo crime rates. It doesn't take an accountant to see the obvious ramifications of such a proposal, and my heart aches to think that it might not be at the very least fully considered and discussed.
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