Enigmatic at best...
by disillusioned
(Matters of the Heart, 1306 views) - 9/1/03
(recorded 9/1/03 @ 2:44:43 AM)
I was looking through my other journal and found this entry from almost exactly a year ago... It's incredible to think of the feelings I've had, the circumstances that have changed, the emotions I've felt with such a realness, how much things have changed and at the same time, how little others have... It's always interesting to look back... What follows is that entry verbatim...

Sigh... All good diary entries seem to start with a long, well-conceived sigh... Or maybe I just do that to allow it to serve as warning for whomever may be reading this...

Of course, I'm feeling "that way" again... I think the word that best sums it up is lonely. I shudder to think what word I'll have to use to describe my feelings when I turn 25 and am still in the same position as I will shortly describe.

I know, I'm only 17. And I know I shouldn't be worrying about a relationship or anything of the sort yet. But that doesn't seem to make me want one any less. I miss having someone. Being *that* someone for someone else. I miss the one-on-oneness, so to speak, that's forged when you bare your soul to someone else and they do the same for you. Someone to talk to on the phone with, (although I prefer IMing for reasons not consistent with the mood of this entry) and someone to just 'go out' with, be it for coffee, or a quick shake at Sonic or just to their house, to talk to them, or watch a movie with them, or anything else...

Sure I have friends... I have a lot of friends, with whom I spend the greater amount of my time with. But my friends are now for the most part involved in some sort of relationship, the product of which they bring along with whenever we have an outing. Truth be told, I'm friends with most of them anyway, but it's still upsetting to be walking along with your friends and be the only or one of the few people their age without a 'significant other'.

Unfortunately, I'm not even prepared to be in any sort of relationship. Emotionally? Sure, I think so. (Doesn't everyone?) Even from most other points of view- I'm fully capable of maintaining a relationship... but I know of very, very few people who I'd qualify as knowing well enough or truly enough to even want to forge a relationship with. And all I can do to remedy that is to try to build up my existing friendships with the various single girls I know. Of course, not with the sole purpose of doing so being to make them a potential candidate for "being with", or something equally conceited, but with the mindset of one truly wishing to develop deeper friendships with people. And maybe, just maybe, something will come out of one of those friendships...

The truly sad part is, I know of no one who'd allow me to be their 'someone', and vice versa. Well... I'm not sure about that. I know, for a fact, that some girl, *some*where has liked me at some point in time.(and there may be one or two that still do, for reasons untold... yeah, I know I'm too hard on myself...)

As uneventful as that may seem, the first time I had a girl admit to me that she liked me, I very nearly doubled back and fell over... and I was sitting down. I say this as if it's an often occurrence. This is not the case; quite the opposite holds true. And I believe that because I've built up such a base of doubt regarding the likeliness of a girl actually liking me for any reason, I may be reluctant to believe anyone else who claims same.

Not to mention the damage done by a certain other individual who's feelings for myself completed reversed themselves in the course of 48 (largely uneventful) hours. Which I still don't think I can fully comprehend- Is that just a thing with girls? They can be completely fond of or even in love with a guy (in that fake sort of way- "true love" wouldn't just extinguish itself so quickly, I'd hope) one moment, and the next want nothing more than a simple friendship? I can't believe this is true.

But, then again, I'm one of those people who crush hard. When a girl of interest catches my eye, (and I know them somewhat reasonably well) my dedication to that girl, however unprovoked and even without any sort of reinforcement, is usually whole. Thus, I've only really "liked" two girls. Three, if you count elementary school- but even then...

Now, I'm trying harder to be more protective of my emotions and feelings. And those of others. I've hurt other people with my carelessness and selfishness and ignorance, in ways I still can't believe. Presently, I'm not willing to admit that I like anyone. I'm in no real position with anyone else to form a relationship anyway, (read above) and the last thing I want to do is to set myself or anyone else on any sort of emotional roller coaster. In the end, I believe it will be much more within my better interest to wait things out for awhile, and continue to build up my friendships with as many people as possible, without of course, spreading myself too thin. (Though there is a lot of me to go around! ;-)

Bleh... to only be held and loved and cared for by someone... and to have that very same person to hold and love and care for back... It makes me restless- I wouldn't bring it up so much if it weren't constantly playing my mind. I'm sure, with God's blessing, that everything will work out in the end. God has a funny habit of coming through like that, and I continue to bring that he'll reveal to me whomever it may be that I should be with. But still... there's that emptiness I just have to work around... At least it's building character!
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