Approached Deadline
by enlite
(674 views) - 8/22/05
(recorded 8/22/05 @ 2:39:07 PM)
Every summer that I've gone away I've picked up a "tour boyfriend" or two, and of course this year was no different. This year's infatuation was named Bryan (with a 'y', I know...). He lives in Texas, he's 21 (aged out), colorguard, one of the better dancers (ie fun to watch), cute, sweet, Harry Potter reader, likes Family Guy and appreciates bitter sarcasm for its level of advanced creativity and humor. What a catch, eh? Oh, he's also clingy and on the verge of "stalker" label.

I was five and he was six
We rode on horses made of sticks
I wore black and He wore white
I would always win the fight

Okay, maybe that's not fair. All he did was steal my pillow and keep it all summer, refusing to give it back because he always wanted to sleep with something of mine (we were on different buses). That and last year he wrote little love notes to Rudy and put his stuffed animal on Rudy's sleeping bag before bed. Oh, and he said he's going to move to Arizona so we can continue to see eachother.

Now I'm gone, He won't know why
And till this day, sometimes He'll cry
I didn't even say goodbye
I didn't take the time to lie.

Drum corps relationships are Dating Made Easy. The tour is done on Finals night. The summer is over, everyone goes home. There's nothing afterwards, we won't see eachother, if ever, for another nine months and no one's foolish enough to work long distance, that's not how it goes. In drum corps, you have 12 weeks for success. You win drums, you win overall, you meet someone, you make friends, you have the best experience you can before time is up, and when the clock hits zero and awards are handed out, you get on the bus and go home. It's over... but he wants to move here.

Bang bang, I shot him down
Bang bang, he hit the ground
Bang bang, that awful sound
Bang bang, I used to shoot you down

He didn't get it — we had our three months and now it's done, I never expected anything more. I never wanted a real boyfriend or a real relationship. Drum corps is just a big game: you play the judges, the audience and eachother. You pretend to be nice to the assholes and act like you weren't talking shit about the other people in your section, you put on a good face and pretend to be excited and in the back of your head you know there's only fifteen days, ten days, eight days, only three more days until it's over and it's done.

Bang bang, I shot him down
Bang bang, he hit the ground
Bang bang, that awful sound
Bang bang, I shot my baby down...

It is done, I'm sorry. Just open your eyes, Kid, before I have to shoot you down.
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It says a lot when someone's willing to go "out of their way" for you, like that. At the very least, it should mean something, to know that your very presence is having a large influence on this poor, misguided soul.

It's always nice to know you're loved/loveable. Sometimes, at least for me, it's something I forget.

I hope he doesn't make a bad decision here. He's not so invested that you're doing the right thing, if you tell him so. Leading him on would be tragic, but you wouldn't do that.

I'm tired, and probably not making much sense, but I'm strangely okay with that.

   [disillusioned (J:: M) 8/23/05 4:40 AM]

It's something we're used to.

   [enlite (J:: M) 8/23/05 11:41 AM]

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