Requiem for an Idealistic Dream...or Thoughts from a Greyhound
by Faro
(504 views) - 4/20/05
(recorded 4/20/05 @ 8:55:33 PM)

We were young. Mature for our age, though we may have been, the simple fact was that we were teens. We were young. For as adult as we had seemed for our age, one thing still marked us. Idealism. We dreamed, and expected our dreams to come true, simply because we were both stubborn. We were young, and we were experiencing love. While I am still young as I write this, one thing I am sure of. We were young, and we were experiencing love, not just love, but a true love. A mature love. We acted as if we were older than our years. And for those two years, we were mature. However we made one major mistake. We assumed that we were the people who we wanted to be for the rest of our lives. We thought that at the age of 18, we knew exactly what we wanted from life.

We could have had that life that we wanted. We could have had it right away, right out of high school. We had helped raise a child, and we both loved the kid. We could have had a child and begun out life right away. But we knew that that would be a life in which greatness was given up. Allowed to have a glimpse of light, but then hidden from the world…no, taken from the world. Its not that we would have had a bad life, or that our child or children would have a bad life. It’s just the opposite. Ours would have been a house filled with love. But the two of us have the power to connect with people, we have the power to connect with almost anyone from any walk of life. We can make people comfortable. Comfortable in their environment, comfortable with themselves, comfortable with us. If we squandered that ability, we would have robbed a number of people from a time of comfort, when comfort is needed most. We will be health care professionals, just in a different capacity.

Our decision to go to the school in which we could each get our best education, well that was the best decision we could have made. I am where I need to be, and I am happy where I am. I’ve been able to get past merely being content, and I have the power, within myself to be happy. The love I still have for you makes me happy. The fact that we are still able to talk, and the fact that you are still the person who knows me the best, that still makes me happy.

But, there are those times. There are those times where I will think, think of the life we may have had, if our idealistic dreams came true.

4 years of being apart during school. We made it through that without a problem. I visited you, you visited me. We saw each other at least once a month, usually twice. My friends up in school became yours, and your friends, in turn, became mine. Life was still good. We had out shitty semesters, but were able to work through it And here came our graduation day. You are now a nurse, and can get a job anywhere you want, and you want to come up to Flagstaff, to live with me, to start our life together, while I’m finishing my schooling. Because that is the important thing, I want to be able to support you in our future together. I want our children to not have to worry about eating less this week, because money is tight. I don’t want our kids to have to worry about the little things that I used to have to do. I don’t want them having shitty, second hand clothes, or only have one pair of pants, and minimal clothing. I want to be able to go on vacations that last longer than 3 days. This is why I’m going to school, and this is why you move to stay with me.

On my graduation night, we have a celebratory dinner. I am now a Doctor. Our families are together, everyone is happy. Your brother has managed to somehow find a way to strip again…and is giving my sister a show.

You look at me, and ask me if I’m all right, I look worried. I look worried because I am terrified. I recount a conversation I have with your Dad 2 weeks back. While I knew the answer to the question I was going to ask, I was still nervous. It reminded me of when I asked if you wanted to be my girlfriend, and go beyond just dating. Just as it happened last time…my heart is racing. I’m surprised that you can’t hear how low my heart is pounding, it sounds like cannons are going off inside my head, in my chest. You are looking up at me, when your dad stands up, gives me a wink, and says that its time for the new Doctor to give a speech. Again, I know this is coming, but I am terrified. I haven’t had a case of stage fright this strong since I had to speak in front of our school for the 9/11 assembly.

I don’t remember half of the things I say during my speech, I’m sure I was trying to be funny, and there is a good possibility that I may have succeeded once or twice. But my mind was racing at hundreds of miles an hour. I finally get to my point, I ask you to join me. I say I want to thank you because you have been such a blessing. You helped me study, you helped me get my ass out of bed and to class, and you helped me with everything. Then I look at you, and I ask if you want to help make me the happiest man in the world….and then I get down on my knee, in front of both our families. I look up at you, and I watch as you begin to well up, and a tear finally makes its way down your cheek. You, being you, ask me what the hell too me so long. You get up, and yell at me for spending too much money on the ring. But your heart is not in it, you love it, and you know that I’ve been saving for it, for the past 5 years.

Flash forward another year. And we are taking the “For Sale” sign off of a nice little house. It’s a modest little 3 bedroom house, but it has a big back yard. And even better, its only 5 miles away from the stables. Already, you’re thinking of the mural you are going to paint on the walls of our child’s room. You’re already beginning to show…not much, but I’m so familiar with your body at this point, that I notice. That day we have our families over to help move in. Of course, we can’t let them decorate, because that is our job, this is our house, there are no restrictions like there were on our apartment. This is ours, and we will make it ours.

Flash forward one month. It’s the image you had in your head. I’m putting the crib together in our baby’s room, while you paint the cowboy mural. I help you down off the little step stool you are on, and kiss the swell in your belly. You look up and give me a little half smile, and I’m returning one. The light coming in from the window lights you perfectly….you are radiant in your pregnancy. I’m surprised by the fact that this image of you has taken my breath away. I just have to kiss you again, and you are pleasantly surprised. We walk, fingers lightly interlaced, to the tv, and begin watching Friends. To this day you still watch it at least once a month. You’re watching all the seasons again, but this is the first time for our house. So we sit, and watch a couple of episodes, then head to bed. Rain is falling lightly on the window…and we smile, and go to bed, hoping that tomorrow will be the day that we can lie naked in bed all day, with the rain falling gently, and that rain will be for us, just for us.

…and now, sitting on a Greyhound, surrounded by strangers, people all leaving behind one place, and heading to a new destination, I join them.

Heading north I leave behind the dreams I had, the dreams we had. After all, we were just kids when we had those dreams, nobody but us expected them to come true. So I’m heading north, leaving a dream, and leaving a life behind. I can’t stop myself from thinking about what might have been, but I can keep those thoughts from preventing what will be.

I am heading north, leaving behind my idealistic dream, and setting forth on a new dream. What it is exactly, I do not know. I’d be lying if I said I had it all planned out. I was lying to myself when I thought that life would bend to my whims. No, life is a crazy thing, you never know what is going to get thrown at you, all you can do is just go with it.

So as I type this, on this bus, a rotund woman taking up a seat and a half to my right, I begin my new chapter. What happens when I get off this bus…fuck if I know. I know that I will live my life day by day, doing my part to ensure future success for myself. And I know one other thing….I will shed a tear for that dream we had. No…that’s not right, many tears will be shed. Not just once, I know when I think about us in the future, tears will come. I know this time that they are not tears of misery, or sorrow….simply tears for the death of a dream, tears for the death of idealism, tears for the end of my first true love. These are all things that were celebrated while I lived them, and they deserve to have tears shed for them.

I will shed a tear, and I will move on…

I will move on…I will live my life

I will enjoy my life…

And I will remember our dream.
Your face it dances and it haunts me
Your laughter's still ringing in my ears
I still find pieces of your presence here
Even after all these years
But I don't want you thinking I don't get asked to dinner
'Cause I'm here to say that I sometimes do
Even though I may soon feel the touch of love
I just don't think I'll ever get over you
If I lived till I was 102
I just don't think I'll ever get over you

Here’s to high school…and here’s to growing up.

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